To Live Again

It took blurred years to make friends with the lurking demons and frozen images
Never far away, just waiting the slightest spark to emerge
Slowly losing the remnants
Years off a life that can never be re-gained
Then one day, finally allowed to live again
The freedom to feel joy again
To speak your name without consequence
To realize nothing painful remains

Altered and Amended

Didn't want it to end but the end arrives tomorrow
A struggle with empty words and encroaching darkness
A triad lessened by two
Residual images rotate between mystic and dizzy
Long ago we chose differing paths
Made agreements with life .... or death
(Depends on one's outlook)
Sought our revival in the open sky
Not realizing the consequences
Eventually accepting our demise
All in yesterday's remote eyes
Forever once seemed plausable
But often empty promises interceded
Leaving little margin for the unexpected improvisation and opprotunities for improprities
We observed the fall in silence
Gazed on in dis-belief with our generic brand of arrogance
Wandering off in varying directions
Following visions determined a near lifetime ago
Altered and amended along the way

March, 2016

I don't know. It's all extremely murky these days. Having something to do with childhood friends going seprate ways upon entering adulthood. How sometimes your great plans don't always work out and you're left standing there alone in that moment. Also possibly a little to do with that initial realization that time is passing by too quickly.

Thoughts Upon Turning Sixty

Sixty always appeared as so improbable
Yet arrived in an instant
Previously viewed as aged
Sought ways to avoid the inevitable
But it materialized into silent existence
Upon timely arrival and splashdown, one is forced to reconsider life
Adjust attitudes, it's not so bleak
It's not the end
For a moment remember those who failed to make it
Seems there's been more than a few
Never allowed to know thirty ..... or forty ..... or fifty
Be grateful and humble for the chance
An epic accomplishment of major significance in the life of one, to embrace and celebrate
A fortunate occurrence when viewed in the mirrors of a lifetime

The best memories are still those of youth
Never far away
Old schoolmates all arriving one by one at sixty
Experiencing fear, denial and finally, gradually and begrudgingly acceptance
Why resist? Why struggle?
You're gaining increased appreciation (Right?)
Hopefully greater wisdom and agility in sidestepping the angst
Though there's suspicions to the contrary

February 20, 2016

Destiny Denied

It never happened
That failed attempt
Despite all our best efforts
No regard for all of our wildest dreams
But for that one free falling moment in that single hour of that lone given day
It seemed desireably possible
Remotely, but still possible
We believed in the karma to turn lives around
To merge conflicting directions
And of overdue fate
And hopeful in that instant we crept forward with caution
Aware and fragile
Grasping vainly for each others hand
Until suddenly the darkness and barriers resumed
And decades later, the surviving fading images
Leave us wondering if it was all the practical joke of shared ghosts
Or just imagination run amok
The ultimate harsh reality
This postponed destiny denied

February 13, 2016

Circumstances Of Destruction

We shuffle by while keeping our distance and ignorance
Silent in our haste to move away
A blind man sits on the cold pavement
Exposed to the relentless elements
Head bowed in shame ..... or exhaustion
His rusted voice stripped of its dignity
Crude sign pleads for hushed mercy
Nickels and dimes, his way of existence
This desperate life not always his anticipated destiny
Once holding lofty aspirations and dreams
Until eventually shattered
By circumstances of destruction
By the anger of the times
Was this fate ever avoidable or reversible

February 2016

You Never Knew

The hushed distance placed between us was irrelevant, mystic visions rose and faded, I'd have given anything for a frozen moment with you, to feel your silent touch, to know your hidden warmth, to whisper what was seemingly forbidden by improbable circumstances, to listen, believe and cry, to move walls and mountains to make your utmost unspoken dreams come true, I was there ..... But you never knew. Thought I'd attempt to tell you in my own various bumbling and stupid ways, Hoping you could comprehend my infinite clumsiness with emotions, and know the sunken depth of my feelings, like these truths were obvious to all, armed with humility, I was always there ..... But you never knew.

December, 2015

1973 Again

An old cassette tape
Technology of the times
My mother's voice
Sounding different than what I recall ..... midwestern twang that comes and goes
A recorded letter to her mother, who I barely knew
Recorded in short stages, days and weeks apart
Apologizing for the delay in responding
Calls her "darlin' "
Sounding young again (after those final frail years)
So long since I knew those days
Things mentioned that I struggle to recall
Children and teens, painting walls, yardwork, school, 4th of July
Life transitions for all
Cindy and Shangri-La .... her own special needs
Ending of my high school years approaching .... college?
Reference to her own, eight person high school graduating class
Father's changing work plans
Sister's job at a dollar twenty-five an hour .... saving money
Cameo voices of my brothers .... swimming, fishing, being boys
Illuminating a visual of a mostly typical 70's lifestyle
Maybe a future visit to South Dakota
If life slows down, if life permits
If she can manufacture the time

No hints to what I knew was going on at home
Behind the scenes, hidden from sight and the eyes of others
The degree, even hidden from siblings
But then why would she want her mom to worry


November/December 2015

Had this cassette but I wasn't sure where. My sister gave it to me a few years ago to make copies then my tape deck broke down. I had never listened to it in its entirety until a few weeks ago. As much as I enjoyed hearing my moms voice from when she was healthy, I felt a few twinges of unexplainable and unwelcome chills in the words. Something more than her not being with us these days.

Old Man

Old man
Stooped and damaged
Your reluctant handshake lacks strength
Not as aged as you appear
Box of memories all that remains
Blinded by the loss of youth
Shivers and trembles
Out of place in today
Cynical towards society
Refusing to change and adapt
Resides in his dreams
Rooted in half a century ago
A journey shaken in lost faith
Wasn't always this way
But stamina worn down
By one soul numbing dagger at a time
Old friends faded from relavancy
Old loyalties lost meaning
In the onslaught of disrupted hopes
And repeated denials of love
Resigned to the final call
An empty distance in your gaze
The last of your lineage
No preperation for the sole survivor
It was you dancing on that forgotten corner
You seek shelter in each alley and shadow
Away from the chaos
Until voices conjure forth echoes
You appear for a moment, then fade ......

November/December 2015

The News Today

Heard the news today that you had passed away
Few emotions experienced yet you've been on my mind all day
It was only a spiraling year or two
Hardly knowing you
Never had much time
The relationship severed, the connection lost
Splintering another alliance to a mostly forgotten past
Wanted you to know I've been thinking of you
This day, last year, from time to time
Despite the distance never entirely forgotten
Always holding regrets for how things ended
Wondering what you thought
What you were told
Wanting five minutes to tell the other side of the story
Though it really didn't matter, the story had ended
It should have been different
But circumstances dictated brevity mixed with caution
Residual hazy memories reigned since
Slowly fading, eroding into dust and mist
Your passing, ending a generation
You knew different times, had different but parallel hopes
Had your own world
And stories never known

September 2015

A mutual friend informed me of the passing of my ex mother-in-law. The news just a few days old. My memories of her are mostly blurred due to the passing of time. The ex-wife once told me that she was a descendent of Belle Starr. That's pretty much all that I remember of her. I wish that I had more to say about her. After all the years since last being around her, I'm not even sure of her first name. The news of her passing was a surprise but I didn't feel much in the way of emotions. It's just been too long and too few shared moments even when she was part of my world.  

A Distance Maintained

A distance maintained to honor unspoken rules and commandments

Guidelines accepted by the majority of searchers

Despite temptation and the urgings of others

For the betterment of life ..... Or is it?

The inner yearnings fail to recognize these supposed truths

Yet concious and wisdom suggest absolute morality, an adherence to the norm

You don't need the agony yet contemplate possibilities and doubt

Thankful that they can't monitor the mind and submerged desires

Maybe in a different time and place all would be fine

You were once young and bold and despite occasional fears, willing to take a chance

On life, on love

On a heart filled with contentment

Over rapidly passing years you realize it's all changed

Possibilities became taboo amid warnings of eternal scorn

It was never your way to challenge these things

Unknown Date

Not sure what I was initially thinking but what comes to mind after reading these words today ..... There are some words and reactions that maybe only apply to one day in a life. What's applicable for today may have no meaning tomorrow. Or ever again for that matter. Abstract truths may have a short life span.