The hushed distance placed between us was irrelevant, mystic visions rose and faded, I'd have given anything for a frozen moment with you, to feel your silent touch, to know your hidden warmth, to whisper what was seemingly forbidden by improbable circumstances, to listen, believe and cry, to move walls and mountains to make your utmost unspoken dreams come true, I was there ..... But you never knew. Thought I'd attempt to tell you in my own various bumbling and stupid ways, Hoping you could comprehend my infinite clumsiness with emotions, and know the sunken depth of my feelings, like these truths were obvious to all, armed with humility, I was always there ..... But you never knew.
December, 2015
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Sunday, December 6, 2015
1973 Again
An old cassette tape
Technology of the times
My mother's voice
Sounding different than what I recall ..... midwestern twang that comes and goes
A recorded letter to her mother, who I barely knew
Recorded in short stages, days and weeks apart
Apologizing for the delay in responding
Calls her "darlin' "
Sounding young again (after those final frail years)
So long since I knew those days
Things mentioned that I struggle to recall
Children and teens, painting walls, yardwork, school, 4th of July
Life transitions for all
Cindy and Shangri-La .... her own special needs
Ending of my high school years approaching .... college?
Reference to her own, eight person high school graduating class
Father's changing work plans
Sister's job at a dollar twenty-five an hour .... saving money
Cameo voices of my brothers .... swimming, fishing, being boys
Illuminating a visual of a mostly typical 70's lifestyle
Maybe a future visit to South Dakota
If life slows down, if life permits
If she can manufacture the time
No hints to what I knew was going on at home
Behind the scenes, hidden from sight and the eyes of others
The degree, even hidden from siblings
But then why would she want her mom to worry
November/December 2015
Had this cassette but I wasn't sure where. My sister gave it to me a few years ago to make copies then my tape deck broke down. I had never listened to it in its entirety until a few weeks ago. As much as I enjoyed hearing my moms voice from when she was healthy, I felt a few twinges of unexplainable and unwelcome chills in the words. Something more than her not being with us these days.
Technology of the times
My mother's voice
Sounding different than what I recall ..... midwestern twang that comes and goes
A recorded letter to her mother, who I barely knew
Recorded in short stages, days and weeks apart
Apologizing for the delay in responding
Calls her "darlin' "
Sounding young again (after those final frail years)
So long since I knew those days
Things mentioned that I struggle to recall
Children and teens, painting walls, yardwork, school, 4th of July
Life transitions for all
Cindy and Shangri-La .... her own special needs
Ending of my high school years approaching .... college?
Reference to her own, eight person high school graduating class
Father's changing work plans
Sister's job at a dollar twenty-five an hour .... saving money
Cameo voices of my brothers .... swimming, fishing, being boys
Illuminating a visual of a mostly typical 70's lifestyle
Maybe a future visit to South Dakota
If life slows down, if life permits
If she can manufacture the time
No hints to what I knew was going on at home
Behind the scenes, hidden from sight and the eyes of others
The degree, even hidden from siblings
But then why would she want her mom to worry
November/December 2015
Had this cassette but I wasn't sure where. My sister gave it to me a few years ago to make copies then my tape deck broke down. I had never listened to it in its entirety until a few weeks ago. As much as I enjoyed hearing my moms voice from when she was healthy, I felt a few twinges of unexplainable and unwelcome chills in the words. Something more than her not being with us these days.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Old Man
Old man
Stooped and damaged
Your reluctant handshake lacks strength
Not as aged as you appear
Box of memories all that remains
Blinded by the loss of youth
Shivers and trembles
Out of place in today
Cynical towards society
Refusing to change and adapt
Resides in his dreams
Rooted in half a century ago
A journey shaken in lost faith
Wasn't always this way
But stamina worn down
By one soul numbing dagger at a time
Old friends faded from relavancy
Old loyalties lost meaning
In the onslaught of disrupted hopes
And repeated denials of love
Resigned to the final call
An empty distance in your gaze
The last of your lineage
No preperation for the sole survivor
It was you dancing on that forgotten corner
You seek shelter in each alley and shadow
Away from the chaos
Until voices conjure forth echoes
You appear for a moment, then fade ......
November/December 2015
Stooped and damaged
Your reluctant handshake lacks strength
Not as aged as you appear
Box of memories all that remains
Blinded by the loss of youth
Shivers and trembles
Out of place in today
Cynical towards society
Refusing to change and adapt
Resides in his dreams
Rooted in half a century ago
A journey shaken in lost faith
Wasn't always this way
But stamina worn down
By one soul numbing dagger at a time
Old friends faded from relavancy
Old loyalties lost meaning
In the onslaught of disrupted hopes
And repeated denials of love
Resigned to the final call
An empty distance in your gaze
The last of your lineage
No preperation for the sole survivor
It was you dancing on that forgotten corner
You seek shelter in each alley and shadow
Away from the chaos
Until voices conjure forth echoes
You appear for a moment, then fade ......
November/December 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
The News Today
Heard the news today that you had passed away
Few emotions experienced yet you've been on my mind all day
It was only a spiraling year or two
Hardly knowing you
Never had much time
The relationship severed, the connection lost
Splintering another alliance to a mostly forgotten past
Wanted you to know I've been thinking of you
This day, last year, from time to time
Despite the distance never entirely forgotten
Always holding regrets for how things ended
Wondering what you thought
What you were told
Wanting five minutes to tell the other side of the story
Though it really didn't matter, the story had ended
It should have been different
But circumstances dictated brevity mixed with caution
Residual hazy memories reigned since
Slowly fading, eroding into dust and mist
Your passing, ending a generation
You knew different times, had different but parallel hopes
Had your own world
And stories never known
September 2015
A mutual friend informed me of the passing of my ex mother-in-law. The news just a few days old. My memories of her are mostly blurred due to the passing of time. The ex-wife once told me that she was a descendent of Belle Starr. That's pretty much all that I remember of her. I wish that I had more to say about her. After all the years since last being around her, I'm not even sure of her first name. The news of her passing was a surprise but I didn't feel much in the way of emotions. It's just been too long and too few shared moments even when she was part of my world.
Few emotions experienced yet you've been on my mind all day
It was only a spiraling year or two
Hardly knowing you
Never had much time
The relationship severed, the connection lost
Splintering another alliance to a mostly forgotten past
Wanted you to know I've been thinking of you
This day, last year, from time to time
Despite the distance never entirely forgotten
Always holding regrets for how things ended
Wondering what you thought
What you were told
Wanting five minutes to tell the other side of the story
Though it really didn't matter, the story had ended
It should have been different
But circumstances dictated brevity mixed with caution
Residual hazy memories reigned since
Slowly fading, eroding into dust and mist
Your passing, ending a generation
You knew different times, had different but parallel hopes
Had your own world
And stories never known
September 2015
A mutual friend informed me of the passing of my ex mother-in-law. The news just a few days old. My memories of her are mostly blurred due to the passing of time. The ex-wife once told me that she was a descendent of Belle Starr. That's pretty much all that I remember of her. I wish that I had more to say about her. After all the years since last being around her, I'm not even sure of her first name. The news of her passing was a surprise but I didn't feel much in the way of emotions. It's just been too long and too few shared moments even when she was part of my world.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
A Distance Maintained
A distance maintained to honor unspoken rules and commandments
Guidelines accepted by the majority of searchers
Despite temptation and the urgings of others
For the betterment of life ..... Or is it?
The inner yearnings fail to recognize these supposed truths
Yet concious and wisdom suggest absolute morality, an adherence to the norm
You don't need the agony yet contemplate possibilities and doubt
Thankful that they can't monitor the mind and submerged desires
Maybe in a different time and place all would be fine
You were once young and bold and despite occasional fears, willing to take a chance
On life, on love
On a heart filled with contentment
Over rapidly passing years you realize it's all changed
Possibilities became taboo amid warnings of eternal scorn
It was never your way to challenge these things
Unknown Date
Not sure what I was initially thinking but what comes to mind after reading these words today ..... There are some words and reactions that maybe only apply to one day in a life. What's applicable for today may have no meaning tomorrow. Or ever again for that matter. Abstract truths may have a short life span.
Not sure what I was initially thinking but what comes to mind after reading these words today ..... There are some words and reactions that maybe only apply to one day in a life. What's applicable for today may have no meaning tomorrow. Or ever again for that matter. Abstract truths may have a short life span.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
That Moment
That initial moment
An assumed myth, or response, without promise
Didn’t expect it, never known before
Then mutual longing abruptly intercedes
The feeling …. that first emotion stays with one forever
The glorious aching never erodes
Stamped on your soul
Don’t know if I could have initiated it
Desiring everything
Risking everything and more
Terrified of failure
But suddenly, unavoidably unstoppable
A silent touch in the dark spoke an infinity of words
Erasing years of yearning and denial
Cleansing a considerable lifetime of unfulfilled visions
No single life has ever experienced this moment
Don’t attempt to convince otherwise
Don’t confuse me with history and facts
In that moment
July 2015
The transitional moment in a relationship. Until that instant there existed a tense uncertainty of the direction things would eventually go. Many years later, among everything that's been lost and forgotten in a life, that instant remains just as clear and memorable as it was the very next day. For one person anyway.
An assumed myth, or response, without promise
Didn’t expect it, never known before
Then mutual longing abruptly intercedes
The feeling …. that first emotion stays with one forever
The glorious aching never erodes
Stamped on your soul
Don’t know if I could have initiated it
Desiring everything
Risking everything and more
Terrified of failure
But suddenly, unavoidably unstoppable
A silent touch in the dark spoke an infinity of words
Erasing years of yearning and denial
Cleansing a considerable lifetime of unfulfilled visions
No single life has ever experienced this moment
Don’t attempt to convince otherwise
Don’t confuse me with history and facts
In that moment
July 2015
The transitional moment in a relationship. Until that instant there existed a tense uncertainty of the direction things would eventually go. Many years later, among everything that's been lost and forgotten in a life, that instant remains just as clear and memorable as it was the very next day. For one person anyway.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Sudden Summer Rain
The rain arrived unannounced
Most of us appreciative of its appearance
Rated as a passing shower
It realized its fifteen minutes of fame
So despised in winter
But this day, mid-summer
Sparking elation and celebration among excited voices
You'd have thought we'd never experienced rain before
........ In western Oregon
Or that it rivaled designated official storms of the century
Maybe we should have named the event .... Randomly passing shower Edith
Or assigned it a "feels like" number
Like meteorologists tend to do
People come running to witness the event
A chilling breeze distributing the mist to all covered corners
Altering stale attitudes
Providing hope for a refreshed tomorrow
A previous recent rumor had failed to materialize
Never given a life
Even those who crave summer have grown weary of the relentless heat
Anxious for a change
Those folks, would be poor excuses for Floridians or Arizonians
August 18, 2015
Most of us appreciative of its appearance
Rated as a passing shower
It realized its fifteen minutes of fame
So despised in winter
But this day, mid-summer
Sparking elation and celebration among excited voices
You'd have thought we'd never experienced rain before
........ In western Oregon
Or that it rivaled designated official storms of the century
Maybe we should have named the event .... Randomly passing shower Edith
Or assigned it a "feels like" number
Like meteorologists tend to do
People come running to witness the event
A chilling breeze distributing the mist to all covered corners
Altering stale attitudes
Providing hope for a refreshed tomorrow
A previous recent rumor had failed to materialize
Never given a life
Even those who crave summer have grown weary of the relentless heat
Anxious for a change
Those folks, would be poor excuses for Floridians or Arizonians
August 18, 2015
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Endless Possibilities
There were endless possibilities in those lost and nearly forgotten days of vague youth
Never certain which direction to choose
Up or down, forward or back, left or right, run or walk
Spontaneous courageous bursts occasionally led to abrupt endings and random victories or defeats
The desultory severed friendship became a victim
Was it all pre-destined, part of some grand master scheme or was it just odd circumstances of chance
Time passes in rapid fire order and the answer may never be revealed
Not that it matters much in the constantly progressing infinity of moments and seconds
June - August 2015
Never certain which direction to choose
Up or down, forward or back, left or right, run or walk
Spontaneous courageous bursts occasionally led to abrupt endings and random victories or defeats
The desultory severed friendship became a victim
Was it all pre-destined, part of some grand master scheme or was it just odd circumstances of chance
Time passes in rapid fire order and the answer may never be revealed
Not that it matters much in the constantly progressing infinity of moments and seconds
June - August 2015
Thursday, July 2, 2015
The War
That voracious night
Devouring venonmous words
Leaving myths behind
Rumors of surviving memories
Never knowing why
Denied the possibilities
Lacking vital truth
A risky clarification
Bringing the ultimate conclusion
The latest final solution
The latest final solution
Maybe better that way
Than recycled consternation
Than recycled consternation
Being caught off-guard
Stuck in suspension
Last chances expired
Ending lame questions
Deciding it's over
Time to move forward
Deciding it's over
Time to move forward
Forging an inept peace
Voiding rabid reality
The wounds heal slowly
The wounds heal slowly
Making friends with old ghosts
Emphasizing survival
Emphasizing survival
July 2015
I was writing down random three and four word combinations that came to mind with no specific thought in mind and suddenly realized that it was telling a personal story of something still familar but slowly fading from awareness from long ago. Something that I've struggled with expressing for over thirty years now.
I was writing down random three and four word combinations that came to mind with no specific thought in mind and suddenly realized that it was telling a personal story of something still familar but slowly fading from awareness from long ago. Something that I've struggled with expressing for over thirty years now.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Something About You
Night vision with slicing mercurial eyes
A distant voice shattering my accepted normality
What’s the price? … it doesn’t matter when dreaming of remote
possibilities
I thought I heard you crying through the laughter and the smiles
Revealing a hidden and elusive fragility
A former lifetime status altered and denied in an instant
That was the faraway impression received
My minimally semi-educated
conclusion
The waves always submitted a frequent and potent beauty
Previously residing solely in chance dreams and murky mirages, just
beyond reach
Seemingly impossible to sustain
But likely to maintain
But likely to maintain
Had you only been closer, maybe I could have had that one
moment where I truly impressed
And stopped a searching heart
Right place, ideal moment
Right place, ideal moment
Caused you to shiver and tremble inside
And hasten remaining eternity
June 2015
Friday, May 8, 2015
Everything Vanished
No warnings given
Unless it was the silent retreat of tears
What’s your belief?
The most hesitant of us relived those years
Desperate for momentary rewards
Wandering through the dreams of our past lives
Discovering that one moment that refused to fade
Wishing it could have lasted for more than that instant
Wondering how we ever arrived here
Three thousand miles between then and now
Be it through conjecture or myth
And then everything vanished
Like a sudden shadow in the night
Denied an existence
You were the torn apart martyr
Who made choices based on the facts you were given
Though so much was missing
Half of the pages never turned
It was as if we’d never been friends
…… And lovers
Still making rare appearances in random, un-announced visions
Refusing to age
Though I never knew any other age
Same touch, same lingering scent
Though in its wake, an image of life scarred and bent
Left one pondering what ifs.
May 2015
Unless it was the silent retreat of tears
What’s your belief?
The most hesitant of us relived those years
Desperate for momentary rewards
Wandering through the dreams of our past lives
Discovering that one moment that refused to fade
Wishing it could have lasted for more than that instant
Wondering how we ever arrived here
Three thousand miles between then and now
Be it through conjecture or myth
And then everything vanished
Like a sudden shadow in the night
Denied an existence
You were the torn apart martyr
Who made choices based on the facts you were given
Though so much was missing
Half of the pages never turned
It was as if we’d never been friends
…… And lovers
Still making rare appearances in random, un-announced visions
Refusing to age
Though I never knew any other age
Same touch, same lingering scent
Though in its wake, an image of life scarred and bent
Left one pondering what ifs.
May 2015
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Chance Encounter
That chance encounter
A new glance
A possible smile
A renewed significance
It's been quite awhile
All of the past became part of today
A search for clarity
Exposed regrets in decay
Past blurred awareness
Released from suspended delay.
April 8, 2015
A new glance
A possible smile
A renewed significance
It's been quite awhile
All of the past became part of today
A search for clarity
Exposed regrets in decay
Past blurred awareness
Released from suspended delay.
April 8, 2015
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Shaken And Weak
I couldn’t help but wonder where you came from.
One day through sheer luck and the random timing of events and circumstances, there you were.
Impossible not to be noticed yet just moments before and a past lifetime to that point, unknown.
How could you have escaped notice for all that time?
Suddenly shaking up a world with your beauty and manner.
The brightest light, the clearest voice.
A presence persisting where all others faded.
Your varying shades of complete beauty intensifying with each passing moment in time.
Left behind, waves of reference points defining near perfection
Fortifying the truth from sudden perceived myths ablaze.
Were you always there?
Were others aware?
Was your abundant grace and humility revealed?
There’s something known and familiar
Maybe a dozen generations ago
If one believes in such things.
A shared touch and a frozen moment together
Or was it just the occasional random dream?
Called forth and into existence by a waning heart
Leaving pains of desire with each waking eternally fading ending
A futile search until revealed again in your own timing
Strengthening the myth, confirming possibilities ahead
Each unforeseen appearance leaving me shaken and weak
But alive!
February/March/April 2015
One day through sheer luck and the random timing of events and circumstances, there you were.
Impossible not to be noticed yet just moments before and a past lifetime to that point, unknown.
How could you have escaped notice for all that time?
Suddenly shaking up a world with your beauty and manner.
The brightest light, the clearest voice.
A presence persisting where all others faded.
Your varying shades of complete beauty intensifying with each passing moment in time.
Left behind, waves of reference points defining near perfection
Fortifying the truth from sudden perceived myths ablaze.
Were you always there?
Were others aware?
Was your abundant grace and humility revealed?
There’s something known and familiar
Maybe a dozen generations ago
If one believes in such things.
A shared touch and a frozen moment together
Or was it just the occasional random dream?
Called forth and into existence by a waning heart
Leaving pains of desire with each waking eternally fading ending
A futile search until revealed again in your own timing
Strengthening the myth, confirming possibilities ahead
Each unforeseen appearance leaving me shaken and weak
But alive!
February/March/April 2015
Friday, February 13, 2015
Remembered You Today
Remembered you today
Rare beauty, a chance taken
Weakened responses
Weakened responses
Intense chills, dark eyes, trading glances at night
Fade to mist, spontaneous chords, melody of the days
That one initial touch, a lesser lifetime ago
February, 2015
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Still Standing
Shrouded in fog and loneliness
Mostly unknown for decades
A solo sentinel standing hilltop watch
While the masses sleep and play
Alert for intruders and thieves
Eternally present to sound a warning to invasion
To fill the void left by ignorance and apathy
No time for frivolity
Silent and aloof in single minded dedication to duty
Resilient in the haze of repeated intrusions
Still resisting the elements
Still strong
Still devoted to its calling
Unrecognized by those who mindlessly revel solely in results
Feel free to preach from your perch
And expect all to listen
To demand occasional notice
Even though that’s never been your way
You would rather keep your humility and dignity
Accumulated over the echoing centuries
Therein you find your own infinite rewards
The knowledge that you made a difference
January 2015
Mostly unknown for decades
A solo sentinel standing hilltop watch
While the masses sleep and play
Alert for intruders and thieves
Eternally present to sound a warning to invasion
To fill the void left by ignorance and apathy
No time for frivolity
Silent and aloof in single minded dedication to duty
Resilient in the haze of repeated intrusions
Still resisting the elements
Still strong
Still devoted to its calling
Unrecognized by those who mindlessly revel solely in results
Feel free to preach from your perch
And expect all to listen
To demand occasional notice
Even though that’s never been your way
You would rather keep your humility and dignity
Accumulated over the echoing centuries
Therein you find your own infinite rewards
The knowledge that you made a difference
January 2015
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